I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
