I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
