I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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