The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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