How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
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She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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