Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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