He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
