The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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