tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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