I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
