i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
