I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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