Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
