the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
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Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
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Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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