btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
