drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
It's Friday. Sex?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
