I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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