um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
