and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
