I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
