How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
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I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
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You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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