Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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