saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
