can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I enjoy the company of your penis
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