the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
