hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
