I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
