I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize