Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
