Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
