I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
