Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
