My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
