My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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