Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
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Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
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On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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