dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
