New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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