my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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