brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
