ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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