I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
