the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
