I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
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I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
When are your genitals available?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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