Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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