You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
bring money and cleavage
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
