I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
