sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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