I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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