We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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