im drinking this country out of the recession.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
