He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
