After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
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I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
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I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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