I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
