Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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