DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
