You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
