The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
